Matt (theordinary) wrote,

...this love will never go away

life is a sad sum of ever changing events... and cravings. i have craved many things, though all i crave now is comfort. grasping at instability never worked i'm sure. 'give me a fucking chance,' i said, 'i've given you many chances,' was the answer. and i am well aware... but to blame myself? huh, that takes character. i am still evolving. 'there will be more chances... don't give up.' it seems almost cruel to have been given the ability to decide. i often wish i didn't know good from evil. no doubt it's better this way... nobody can honestly say that God has our futures' planned out for us. that would be manipulative. that wouldn't be love, that would be control. i have come to understand that i cannot blame God for anything and that my screaming at him to give me a chance is wasted breath (although reassurance never hurts). how many chances has he given me with me not taking notice? i am overwhelemed at times by how much God loves me... if i were him i'd have given up on me a long time ago. somehow he sees a way to look past all of the shit in me and see someone that he likes. that really means something to me... i mean God has to love people, it's in his nature. but to like me too is really something... that means that he wants to know me and wants me to know him. he wants to just sit and chat, without all the religious bullshit that people seem to need to have attached to a simple chat. i think God needs us as much as we need him. and while my love fails sometimes, his will never go away.
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Matt, have you ever read anything by Frederick Beuchner? A few nights ago I had a sudden realization of exactly how much I needed God's love, and I came across this in his book of daily readings (not devotionals), called "Listening to Your Life.":
"After centuries of handling and mishandling, most religious words have become so shopworn nobody's much interested anymore. Not so with grace, for some reason. Mysteriously, even derivitives like "gracious" and "graceful" still have some of the bloom left.
Grace is something you can never get but only be given. There's no way to earn it or deserve it or bring it about any more than you can deserve the taste of raspberries and cream or earn good looks or bring about your own birth.
A good sleep is grace and so are good dreams. Most tears are grace. The smell of rain is grace. Somebody loving you is grace. Loving somebody is grace. Have you ever TRIED (actually in italics) to love somebody?
A crucial eccentricity of the Christian faith is the assertation that people are saved by grace. There's nothing YOU have to do. There's nothing you HAVE to do. There's nothing you have to DO.
The grace of God means something like: Here is your life. You might never have been, but you ARE because the party wouldn't have been complete without you. Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don't be afraid. I am with you. Nothing can ever separate us. It's for you I created the universe. I love you.
There's only one catch. Like any other gift, the gift of grace can be yours only if you'll reach out and take it.
Maybe being able to reach out and take it is a gift too."

Stated simply, yet powerfully. I was terribly surprised when I heard you were moving to Florida. Now we're completely on opposite ends of the continent. Will I ever see you? What sort of job is Heather taking? I'm always thinking of you (although, admittedly, I'm terrible at responding to letters (something towards which I must work)). I can't say "keep in touch" because that will be a physical impossibility, but keep communicating. I miss you and will miss you. Your friend, Casey
daniel amos has an album called mr. beuchner's dream and one of their songs is called 'grace is the smell of rain.' i've read a bit of his thoughts... they do seem helpful and insightful.
yes, orlando florida. it is so incredibly hot here. we may be going to the beach sunday. heather is working for an old boss, who recently got a hotel here. i am playing the lazy stay at home husband for now till we find an apartment (we're staying at her hotel.) there is a big lake (monroe) nearby that is quite pretty but for the midges that swarm in the summer. millions of them, i'd swear.
i think about you and miss you often as well. i hope you are doing well. how is Juliana? i hope i spelled that right, how embarassing if i didn't.
i will keep communicating. you do the same, yeh heard? ok, bye for now, i'll write again soon.