life is a sad sum of ever changing events... and cravings. i have craved many things, though all i crave now is comfort. grasping at instability never worked i'm sure. 'give me a fucking chance,' i said, 'i've given you many chances,' was the answer. and i am well aware... but to blame myself? huh, that takes character. i am still evolving. 'there will be more chances... don't give up.' it seems almost cruel to have been given the ability to decide. i often wish i didn't know good from evil. no doubt it's better this way... nobody can honestly say that God has our futures' planned out for us. that would be manipulative. that wouldn't be love, that would be control. i have come to understand that i cannot blame God for anything and that my screaming at him to give me a chance is wasted breath (although reassurance never hurts). how many chances has he given me with me not taking notice? i am overwhelemed at times by how much God loves me... if i were him i'd have given up on me a long time ago. somehow he sees a way to look past all of the shit in me and see someone that he likes. that really means something to me... i mean God has to love people, it's in his nature. but to like me too is really something... that means that he wants to know me and wants me to know him. he wants to just sit and chat, without all the religious bullshit that people seem to need to have attached to a simple chat. i think God needs us as much as we need him. and while my love fails sometimes, his will never go away.