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Matt

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[12 Oct 2004|08:45pm]
i've rediscovered hate. for the first time it's not for myself, but another... oh, and such an other! it feels better this way. nice, almost.
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boy, can i lie [29 Aug 2004|01:16am]
...and the worst part is, i never even made her cry...
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[18 Jul 2004|10:59am]
had a dream the other day that my boss was charles bronson... actually he just had a bronson mask and thought he was charles bronson. he'd tucked a revolver in the back of his pants and each time i or a co-worker would do something wrong, he'd kind of frown and grunt and reach behind his back. ultimately, i made a big error and he shoved his gun (which was plastic) down my throat and said, 'that was the last bad idea you ever had, buddy.' then he actually shot me with his plastic gun (plastic bullets hurt, too) and i died.
i'm fairly sure this was just one of those 'i ate too much ice cream and doughnuts right before bed' dreams that have no meaning but it wasn't pleasant having my idiot boss (who frequently says things like, 'onliest' and 'blowed-up') in my head while i slumbered.

i'm trying to scrounge up enough dosh to go see the cure (with mogwai, interpol) in a few weeks... might have a hernia if i don't get to.

got a shirt yesterday that says, 'what happens in kentucky should stay in kentucky.' i don't tend to wear such abrasive clothes but it was a bit of a rib at my friend, jon who, yes, is from kentucky. he thought it was funny and wanted to 'beat my head in.' i don't understand.

ok, i'm getting bored of my dumb-arsed ramblings. next entry will be more grounded.
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it's electric [12 Jul 2004|08:58pm]
Mmm, chocolate milk can never have too much chocolate.

i sat out by the lake (lake monroe) for a while trying to scare the alligators... it makes me feel powerful. the fish were jumping to catch a glimpse of the storm rumbling toward us. an osprey caught one and perched on a light post. some fisherman with lighted lures cast them a little too close to the infant gator i was intimidating and it lowered its head to a safe depth. i pretended that the two red bobbing lures were the unattached eyes of the mother of the gator, learing at me, one floating toward me in threat the other away from me because it, too, feared me. but it only made me afraid. oversized ants at my feet were scrambling, bumping off of eachother, maybe trying to ground out the static in the air that was chasing them. my face tingled. my sweater (i felt cold when i left the house even though it's ninety degrees) itched and clung to me. i stood to watch lightning hit the power plant across the lake. the smoke from the one remaining candy cane stack (three was too much for our lungs and the atmosphere, the city said) turned pink for a second.
a car swerved to miss me as i crossed the street back to my development. tommy passed me, standing in the back of a pick-up truck, holding onto the top of the cab and said, 'what's up, dude?" i said, 'yeah.' i felt like smoking a cigarette but i didn't. a crane flew over me and toward the storm while i walked away from it. i was so menacing when i left the apartment but climbing the steps back to it, i almost ran.
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[06 Jul 2004|07:59pm]
i feel different. although i've never really felt the same. i question my thoughts less and more often. i'm tired. and maybe a bit frail.
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The wish to be an old man: [20 Jan 2004|09:44pm]
Sitting in a ramshackle red velvet chair in the corner by a fire, my best cardigan wrapped close to my chest, reading yeats or austin, tending a meerschaum and blowing rings up to the ceiling, my back bent from the cares and troubles (which remain only as distant recollections) of my chaotic life, smiling tenderly at the sounds of my still lovely wife attempting to retain her vitality by busying herself with daily projects and on the hour routines, hearing the kettle whistle (my sign that it’s time to get up and brew our 8:00 tea), occasionally shuffling over to a cherry stained roll-top desk to add a few worn out memories to my memoirs (which I never intend for anyone to read) but having to gaze a while out the dew soaked window overlooking our quarter acre that leads to the road where my favorite streetlight shines in at night to help recollect the stories (and fables) of my life that I hadn’t the time to properly pen, flipping through ancient scrapbooks and photo albums and pausing to brush my fingers over pictures of my wife (who I never once stopped loving) through the years and chuckle silently or beam proudly at pictures of our children (who I never once regretted), lying in bed debating with myself on how much longer my life has until it sheds it’s coil but realizing that any time would be just fine because I am content, I am happy.
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[18 Jan 2004|04:27pm]
much is given to me and little taken. i could be so much better. i could take back the time. don't you know i'd give everything?
i see it in your eyes and hear it when my fingers run through your hair. i smell it when the rain taps on the hood and slips through the open window to drench my sleeve. i feel it in your voice and your words and know that it's something almost tangible but just out of reach.
i know what this is... it's the pounding waves and the creaking floorboards under an old rocking chair. it's sparks and ashes from a cigarette hitting the asphalt in the rear view mirror and my ribs tightening around my heart to force throbbing blood up to my neck. it's walking through the trees with nothing but peace and our clasped hands in between us. it's a silence floating in the smoke above our heads as we both wait for the other to speak first and the ember in your eye saying everything that you can't bring your mouth to. it's a regret for time gone by, a yearning, a trembling, a wish to know your life and to show you mine, a breeze pushing the leaves and pulling the curtains to the open window, an echo of laughter, an inaudible sigh and a hidden smile, a happiness unknown to the rest of the world, a look on your face that i will never forget.

i recognize this,
i know what this is...

this is love
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[17 Jan 2004|06:41pm]
i have the potential to be a great man. i'll find it one day and take my time. my convictions will be my own and i'll not waver or compromise myself or others but i'll keep the mind open to the ideas of others, realizing that i am imperfect. my word will be absolute. i'll never let another down again.
i will be wise but keep a strong hold on my wide-eyes and naivety.
and i will love... because love is the only real thing left in the world, the only thing that has meaning. my love will be true and pure; not jealous or scheming, but unqualified and faultless. i have a lot of love to give.
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[09 Jan 2004|11:41am]
mockingbird, fly thee far and well. the wing is outstretched. things can go wrong...
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[23 Dec 2003|07:41am]
well merry fucking christmas. "are you doing anything for christmas, matt?" "do you have any plans for christmas?" yeah, they involve me, a strand of blinking white christmas lights and a strong tree limb. maybe i'll win a fucking award for the best decorations on my street.
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optimist prime [21 Dec 2003|07:01pm]
my mom is convinced that i have bipolar and a.d.d. i think she may be right. even just a minute ago i was a bit excited to be writing in my journal again after a long while but now am depressed by the thought of dragging up emotions that i've been striving to suppress and i'm getting bored already. i talked to her the other day and referred to myself as 'the king of all pessimists' and she got sad and said she'd have to pray harder for me. just a week before that, casey and i were having one of our existential (or bipolar as he calls them) conversations and we came to the conclusion that humanity may have reached the end of its epoch, that everything that will be said or done has been done and said already and that nothing in life has meaning.
so i've been forcing myself to see the bright side of life and everything in it. i'm an optimist, i'm an optimist... really...
so now i, mr. logical/analytical will scrutinize and dissect my manic depressive thoughts and some trivial happenings of my life while ripping off one of my favorite childhood books:

Unfortunately i remain mostly convinced that most of life is without meaning; Fortunately i realized that at least one thing -love- gives life meaning.

Fortunately i've been smoking much less; Unfortunately i've been drinking much more... i can't decide who i like more, lung or liver?

Fortunately i saw two rainbows the other day that ended in the same spot and stretched out like an "M" over the lake and it made for a great photo; Unfortunately i lost one set of my camera's rechargeable batteries and the other set were dead.

Unfortunately i about wanted to kill a person last week; Fortunately i'm a pacifist, i think; Fortunately his motorcycle was stolen the night of my murderous intentions; Unfortunately i got quite a satisfying and unsettling pleasure out of hearing about the theft and silently wished i'd have thought of it; Unfortunately i would still like to maim or disfigure him.

Unfortunately i wish at times that i'd never been born; Fortunately i haven't completely lost hold of hope.

Unfortunately i have been entirely un-creative for the last few months; Fortunately i picked up a paint brush the other day.

Fortunately i got a kitten; Unfortunately she's an evil, vindictive little wench who thinks and acts all on her own prerogative, has no respect for authority and has taken control of my apartment; Fortunately i like her that way and she's still cute as hell.

There, i'll end on a good note... or should i say 'manic' note?
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[10 Jun 2003|10:20am]
a living thing it seemed; the crashing torrents of the ocean lay above me, swirling, colliding, descending, swelling. slowly it came and slowly it fell on me as thick, warm blankets on a bleak night. fingers of lightning clawed and grasped, not able to hold on for long, but piercing the earth and my mind. above me the raging sea still swam, pockets opening over the rising hot air, revealing a hint of blue every so often. under the edge of the storm there is nothing to hide and nothing to hide from. the winds whip my hair and clothes; the clouds continue their descent (but not in malice); naked i was before the storm... now i am clothed in the finest linens. i raise my face to the sky. the rain falls soft... and washes me clean.
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[20 Apr 2003|09:39am]
well, happy bloody easter. i should be at work now but i had to call in sick for the first time since i was up all night barfing. no doubt i'll catch hell for calling in sick on easter. heather's at work so i'll just sit around in between sprints to the bathroom and feel sorry for myself and think about all the people out there going to church to hear about jesus coming back to life. i remember how much that used to inspire and awe me. now it seems like just another bible story. it used to be the main driving force to my life, what this day represents, but now it doesn't even seem to have relevance to my life at all. i don't even know if i believe it at all anymore. and to think back on how i used to spend most of my time devoted to the cause of trying to share my beliefs with other people instead of actually doing things that could've helped me now in life, it all seems a waste of time. to have put all that effort into something that i'm not even sure i believe now just makes me think it was all time wasted. now i'm growing old with no real skills, no real talents, no real beliefs, nothing. i'm the empty shell of a person. if i have a soul, it's withering away.
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[04 Apr 2003|04:07pm]
underslept a lot last night. i must have laid my head down only minutes before the alarm clock went off. i've been in much more of a mood lately to get my thoughts out of my head and written down. i feel much better for doing so. i sat down and wrote a long letter to casey last night and just rambled and blathered about every little thing i could think of. obviously this isn't a new concept, but it seems like whenever i write in my journal or write a long letter and get some thoughts out that more space for other thoughts is created. i guess if that were the case everything i wrote down i would totally forget.
the days are almost perfect. lately there have been those kind of days that make me want to do nothing but take long walks and plant trees, or run barefoot through the grass or just lay down and breathe and watch the sky revolve around me. i know many cultures feel an affinity or a connection to the earth and i can see why. i try to walk on the grass as much as i can now and avoid pavement or asphalt. i'm no ecological activist or anything, but the future will be a terrible place if things keep going the way they are. but look at me now... sitting in front of a computer screen typing away about how beautiful it is outside while the sun is waning.
i think i'm giving up tv. not that i watch much now anyway, but sometimes i'll sit and watch something just because i'm bored. no more! i think i decided this when one of those -blech, choke- reality shows was on, one of the singing ones and it made me want to hang myself or maybe stick a fork in my ear or something. then another one of them came on and it made me want to hurt other people. really, it made me so angry that i wanted to hurt the people that made the show. and that's all stress that i just really don't need. so, i'm boycotting the tv... maybe not completely, i still do like watching letterman when i get home from work. and the weather channel is always helpful. but other than those, i'm boycotting the crap. i can find plenty other ways to waste my time.
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[30 Mar 2003|12:10pm]
3.26.03

i've been fighting back tears all day. standing in the post office a little bit ago, surrounded by strangers, i felt an overwhelming loneliness and had to brush away a tear.
i need a place to hide away, to curl up and drown in my own tears. i haven't been able to cry for so long and now i can't stop tears from welling up.
my days are filled with idleness, my life is a wasteland... i'm no good to anybody, least of all myself.
michael's birthday was three days ago... i'm sure it would have been better had he lived and i died instead. i know he would have made something of his life and not turned out a failure like me.
i've moved from self pity to self hate before, but lately i'm beyond self hate to outright self loathing.
---
3.30.03

i sat down yesterday to think some things over and my thoughts turned, as they are so liable to do, to the past. last night i had such vivid dreams, dreams of broken covenants, broken dreams, broken hearts and all that, what?
such a predictable theme for one of my journal entries, self pity to self loathing. how many times have i fumbled through the keys to express these very same emotions. i'm convinced that they're not here to stay forever, but for now they're like a tall, dark wall, looming before me, allowing no passage to brighter thoughts. i've been depressed before, but not like this. the other day i lay down on the floor and cried for seemingly no reason. i've tried to tell one or two people that i'm having problems, but they stack it on top of all the other times i've said it and figure it isn't ammounting to much. to them, i'm in a rut, a rut that's easy to escape. but for me, there is no escape... only dreams of another time, thoughts of how things would be if i had never been born (no doubt better than they are now), and settling down to suffer through my bleak future.
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[24 Mar 2003|11:37am]
you know, i never thought it much when we were going on those mission trips and stuff, but after not being a part of a church for years i came to have a strong dissapointment in the modern church, namely the aog, just because i was a part of it for so long. i don't mean to say that what we did over in england was pointless, but it seems to me that we could've helped much more if we would have gone to third world countries and actually fed and clothed people. and how much more would we have learned about ourselves and how the world works? the only time i ever got to go feed homeless people was when i went with buddies from a methodist church. and we were over there in england, jamaica, etc. on someone elses money eating at the hard rock cafe, swimming at the indoor pool at the marriott, or sitting by the pool or at the beach the entire trip in jamaica because our van was broken down. i just wonder how proud we made God. not very, i suspect. people who knew me years ago would take one glance at me and say that i've 'fallen away' or 'rejected my salvation' but it's much more simple than that: i've lost my faith in the christian church. admittedly, i do question God and all of it, but i'm pretty sure that when it comes down to it, my conclusion will be that God is for real but that man is a fraud. i am a fraud.
well, enough on that. i totally agree with your thoughts on humanitarian efforts. i don't think the christians' charge is so much to go convert, rather than it is to go help, feed, clothe people. i've thought of drawing up my own '99 theses' (never mind that it probably wasn't really 99 or that luther probably didn't really tack them to the door of the church)... but you know how it would come out: 'a bitter young man who has lost his faith in God and is angry at the church.'
but you know, people out there need help. and the fucking church just gorges to feed its' own bloated belly of greed and self-turned thoughts.
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[12 Jun 2002|01:32pm]
i've been searching and asking questions. questions that may seem like blasphemy. i want to do more than believe. 'blessed is he who has not seen and still believes...' maybe i'm on the way to not being blessed. because i want to know why i believe, i want to have reasons to believe. when i was young i believed because i was told... without much explanation.
years later i am close to finding the meaning of life.
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[12 Jun 2002|01:15pm]
How stupid it must feel to be me... and she just laughs. Here i will recount a couple of my less fabourable moments of the last few weeks.
-A few days ago, i decided that my armpit hair was quite useless and a bit white trashy-ish, so i got my electric clippers and soon my left armpit was bald... but immediately it started to itch, so i said, 'well, i can't have two itchy armpits,' so i left the hair intact on my right armpit. A few hours later, i went down to the pool for a swim (forgetting my one bald pit) and did many backstrokes and much stretching on the deck... no doubt to the amusement of the other swimmers.
-Just yesterday i decided that two days being a waiter (er, Server) at Cracker Barrell was too much... so i went to a few places near the apartment to apply. One asked many personal questions like "Why would you leave a current job?" and "Are there any personal achievements that you are proud of yourself for?" Of course the only thing i could think of to write was that i had pee'd in 20 different states and 6 different countries and that i was close to reaching enlightenment. Ahhh.... oh well. i guess i won't wait for their call.

I actually think i might not be far off from some sort of enlightenment. My mind is very clear lately... maybe just empty?
I spend a lot of time down at the pool, getting burnt and looking at the blue sky and the enormous white clouds or forcing the earth to rotate faster than the stars overhead. And God and i talk sometimes.
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Of rum, urine and blood... [19 May 2002|12:09am]
A vision, a premonition... anyway, i saw him lying on the floor, face down, in front of the toilet with a crimson halo steadily growing around his head. 'I've got to go to the bathroom,' i said. And i found him just as i had seen him in my head, except that he was curled up fetal like and there was a puddle of pee mixing with the puddle of blood. i roused him to conciousness and tried to get him up, noting the huge gash above his left eye which was still pouring out blood. My knee was wet and warm and my hands and arms were covered in blood. i left him and found his wife and said, 'i'm gonna need some help.' He must have passed out from the alcohol and knocked his head on the counter while relieving himself. I slipped on the pee on my way back in, but we managed to get him up and to the bedroom for a change of clothes, a good many rags, some neosporin, a bandage and a bag of ice. After lying down for a few minutes he said, 'Where are we... this looks like my bedroom...' The mixture of pee and blood had formed a rusty orange (near rum coloured) swirl on the floor, but it was quickly mopped up and Mr. Florida was quickly put to bed... For 56, he's a tough guy... he eventually got up out of bed long enough to give me a hug... wearing only his underwear. We were all quite worried about him, but i'm sure he won't remember a thing tomorrow.
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...this love will never go away [10 May 2002|05:18am]
life is a sad sum of ever changing events... and cravings. i have craved many things, though all i crave now is comfort. grasping at instability never worked i'm sure. 'give me a fucking chance,' i said, 'i've given you many chances,' was the answer. and i am well aware... but to blame myself? huh, that takes character. i am still evolving. 'there will be more chances... don't give up.' it seems almost cruel to have been given the ability to decide. i often wish i didn't know good from evil. no doubt it's better this way... nobody can honestly say that God has our futures' planned out for us. that would be manipulative. that wouldn't be love, that would be control. i have come to understand that i cannot blame God for anything and that my screaming at him to give me a chance is wasted breath (although reassurance never hurts). how many chances has he given me with me not taking notice? i am overwhelemed at times by how much God loves me... if i were him i'd have given up on me a long time ago. somehow he sees a way to look past all of the shit in me and see someone that he likes. that really means something to me... i mean God has to love people, it's in his nature. but to like me too is really something... that means that he wants to know me and wants me to know him. he wants to just sit and chat, without all the religious bullshit that people seem to need to have attached to a simple chat. i think God needs us as much as we need him. and while my love fails sometimes, his will never go away.
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